My Gen X Playlist: Whisper to a Scream – Icicle Works

There was a phrase I used to say under my breath when I couldn’t stop thinking about a moment I wished I said or did something differently. It would replay over and over in my head and take hold of my brain. Please forgive my French.

Fuck, I want to die.

Nobody ever heard it. It was low, it was quiet and not meant for anyone else’s consumption. It was mine, for me only. When I said it, there wasn’t any sudden sense of relief. I was experiencing such intense feelings, something needed to be verbalized and the moment required it begin with an F-bomb. I might be in my car after a client meeting, lying in bed in the dark replaying the day or walking down the street and for whatever reason, a memory of a random event from long ago shoots into my head, triggering this response. The feeling of self-loathing can eat at you, but I hide it pretty well. It makes an occasional appearance, nobody knows it’s there, they can’t see inside. In fact, I’m sure it would surprise people to hear me have this conversation because I rarely allow my inner weakness see the light of day. It’s kept well hidden in the shadows.

When my doctor recommended I see a cardiologist, I freaked out. It was different when I had my benign brain tumor. I scheduled the surgery, had it removed and things eventually went back to normal. This heart thing was different. I was terrified of having a heart attack at any moment. I know I was blowing things out of proportion, that’s a thing I sometimes do. But not being in control frightened me and I found myself face to face with mortality. A meeting like this was no walk in the park, but it forced me to come to certain truths within myself. I remember saying these words out loud.

I don’t want to die.

So when I caught myself almost muttering the usual “under my breath” words one day, I stopped myself short. This heart condition forced me to make many needed changes – my diet, exercise, stress from work – but I also needed to change the words that I say to myself. I still need the outlet to verbalize under my breath, but I’ve changed the message. The tone hasn’t changed. It still has the same exasperation of wanting to kick my own ass for something I screwed up. I’m still in a disgusted, pissed off, disappointed and/or fed up state. I just changed one word.

Fuck, I want to live.

Which makes no sense at all if you actually heard me say it. I didn’t remove the F-bomb and it’s paired with a positive statement said in the exact opposite tone of voice. I just don’t want to say that other word anymore and I won’t because dammit, I want to live. I probably should work on the self-loathing part one day, but I needed a temporary fix and this band aid works for now.

Icicle Works came out with Whisper to a Scream in 1984 and I loved this song immediately. This is another song I would sing along to and not pay too much attention to the meaning behind the lyrics. It’s a song about something that many of us do – bottle up emotions and frustrations inside.

The song is about the frustration and helplessness felt by people in difficult circumstances. It urges people to speak up and let their voices be heard. The singer urges them to whisper to a scream, to let their rage and despair be known.

– OldTimeMusic

I’m not sure if I’m at the point of screaming yet. I’m fine keeping the volume low for now. Even at a whisper, at least the release valve cracks open a little bit. It’s a long haul, this re-tweaking of the mind. I’m taking it slow and steady, one step at a time – or in this instance, one word at a time. There’s no need to rush it. It all starts with a first step. Here’s to my step number one.

–

For a complete playlist, please click here.

For the Spotify playlist, please click here.

Love come down upon us till you flow like water
Burning with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they're covered with a bright elation
Stolen in the sight of love

We are we are we are
but your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are we are we are
Rather helpless
Take us forever
A whisper to a scream

Birds fly
In the eyes of the faithless daughter
Broken
At the bitter end
Wasted
Sacrificed for a new nirvana
Nighttime sends us on our way

We are we are we are
But your children
Finding our way around indecision
We are we are we are
Rather helpless
Take us forever
A whisper to a scream

A whisper to a scream
A whisper to a scream
A whisper to a scream
A whisper to a scream