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My Gen X Playlist: Knife’s Edge – The Alarm

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On what subject(s) are you an authority?
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I had a conversation with a young woman who works at one of the top consulting firms. Although she is doing extraordinarily well in her career, she confessed she experiences bouts of imposter syndrome. You wouldn’t know it if you met her. She is smart, confident, accomplished. She’s also able to mask moments of self doubt without anyone being the wiser.

Early in my career a colleague once confessed,

I’m on edge all the time. I have nightmares that one day people are going to pull the covers and discover I don’t know what I’m doing.

At the time I thought this was crazy. She was bright, very credible and did amazing work. Then one day, out of nowhere, similar thoughts slipped inside my head. I’m not sure when they invaded my headspace. Something like this doesn’t miraculously occur overnight. My guess is they crept in between the shadows when I stepped into a much larger role. And even though deep down I knew I was qualified and capable of handling the increased responsibilities, I still struggled with moments believing I could be found out at any time. It’s not a fun feeling walking on a mental high wire without a safety net.

I eventually overcame that fear and self doubt. It took time and wasn’t easy. Thankfully, I haven’t felt that feeling in a very long while, but I’ll never say never. I used to think I overcame these crushing feelings the only way I knew how – hard work and determination. But as I write these words, a new realization becomes clear. This self doubt probably drove me to become a perfectionist. If I was perfect all the time, no one could accuse me of being a fraud. While I thought I was trying to prove myself to others, I really was needing to prove myself to myself.

This also explains why I was such a perfectionist in my professional life but far from it in my personal life. Another A-ha moment for me. While I admit perfectionism brought on a whole host of other issues, I’m oddly thankful for it as my coping mechanism. It helped me turn the corner and I no longer walk along a knife’s edge waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Do I still have moments of self doubt? Hell, yeah. It’s only natural. I also realized it doesn’t make me less than or define me. It just makes me human. And in the grand scheme of things, I’m OK with that.

I’ve included a number of songs from The Alarm on this blog so far. The band has a following, but never really made it big as similar bands like U2. They released the album Strength in 1985. The album’s central themes were Love, Hope and Strength, something we all could use more of. Here’s Knife’s Edge – the first single released from the album. The song came to mind immediately after I wrote the words.

Connecting a memory to a song title has happened a number of times since I started this blog. I find these ripple effects interesting, no matter how distant the connection. It’s such an unexpected by product to beginning this blog. Funny that I now may faintly think about imposter syndrome when I listen to the band. But I will say, it’s definitely a better alternative than wondering about their drastic hair style choices. Not a bad outcome at all.

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For a complete playlist, please click here.

For the Spotify playlist, please click here.

Memories come flooding back, the bitter pain of disappointment
Of once of having love but now I only feel loss

I’m living on a KNIFEDGE
At the end of the line
I’m taking all the hard sell
I’m looking for a lifeline

When you ain’t got no-one in this world, it makes you feel useless
It gives you nothing to live for nothing to die for
I’m burning up, such a long way from home
I’ve got it all to give and no-one to give it to

That’s why I’m looking for you, for someone to whom I can prove
That I’m not through, I’m alive and I need love too

I’m living on a KNIFEDGE, at the end of the line
I’m taking all the hard sell, looking for a lifeline
I’m looking for you now

And the doors of love seem closed
No matter how hard I try to kick them down
It seems to all add up in my mind
Just going round and around and around
I’m fired up, ’cause there’s nothing I can do to change things
I’ve just got to sit back and wait for my chance to come

That’s why I’m looking for you, for someone to whom I can prove
That I’m not through, I’m alive and that’s the truth

I’m living on a KNIFEDGE, at the end of the line
I’m taking all the hard sell, looking for a lifeline
I’m looking for you now

Memories come flooding back, the bitter pain of disappointment
Of once of having love but now I only feel loss
There’s a pointlessness about it all
I’ve got to force that to the back of my mind
The important thing now is just, I’ve got to survive

I’m living on a KNIFEDGE

18 thoughts on “My Gen X Playlist: Knife’s Edge – The Alarm”

  1. Yes! I feel like I struggle with imposter syndrome daily as I write my book. I also agree that I use perfectionism to mask my insecurities. My thought is that if I plan for the worst-case scenario, I can deal with anything else. But, that’s no way to live. I was constantly stressed, even on good days, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    Great song choice! You could be a DJ the way that you match songs to your posts.

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    1. I love the idea behind your book. Struggles are difficult, but when you complete it, it will be such an amazing project to look back on. Keep on powering through! It’s a unique and wonderful journey!

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  2. Great band. Funny to think about that connections you’ve observed, sealing songs to ideas intentionally.

    I’m experiencing something like the opposite of imposter syndrome these days, hiding the reasons for not reaching higher as friends wait for me to fill in the gaps for what I’m planning to do.

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  3. I relate to your need for perfectionism in your work environment. Being laid off (along with 249 others) from a job I held for 16 years, then inevitable old age cured that for me. The older I get and the more imperfect my health and body have become, the more tolerant of imperfectionism I’ve been forced to be. Believe me, it hasn’t been easy, but necessary to maintain sanity.

    That said–I love the Alarm. 🙂

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    1. I appreciate your comments and perspective. I only put more focus on changes since crossing over that 50 year mark years ago. I like the concept of being more tolerant of imperfection. While I intuitively feel that, it’s completely another thing to string those words together and really give that some thought. Thank you for that.

      I always wondered how main stream the Alarm was. I’ve always loved them. Glad to connect with another fan.

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      2. Their first album was one of my favorites in high school. I loved their big sound on that album. Sixty Eight Guns was the first one that hooked me. From there, I just kept up with them and continued to buy their music.

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  4. I feel badly for young people in the corporate world these days. So much stress! No matter how smart & perfect they are. And now they’re all worried that AI is coming for their jobs.

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  6. That is a profound and brave share, my friend. I think high pressure and high expectations go hand in hand, and performing under both can be very difficult. Kudos to you for being willing to talk about it and the realizations you’re having now.

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    1. I think I’m at the stage of my career when it’s easier to share these “war stories”. I mentor a few young people at my firm and they appreciate when I’m just forthcoming and real. A fellow blogger made a comment how it’s so difficult for the young people these days. With all the technological advancements, it’s going to require more from everybody in a more competitive environment. I may be sunsetting at just the right time.

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  7. I’ve been there. I remember one night I left work at midnight and while I was driving I thought “What the hell I am doing with my life!”
    Work life balance matters! It took me so long to stop/skip work environments that sucks people’s energy. Nope, no more 12 hours work!

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