My Gen X Playlist: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2

I’m sitting on a rock, surrounded by the smell of alpaca dung. I have no energy to stand nor continue on. There were signs this was going to be a tough trek. The morning we started this four day adventure to Machu Picchu, we took a group photo. All smiles. Our guide laughed a bit and said, “This is your day one face.” Only halfway through day one, that smile was nowhere to be found. I now knew what he meant. We still had days to go and this was the easiest stretch. I didn’t know how I was going to survive.

One of the biggest challenges on the Inca Trail was the ascent over Dead Woman’s Pass. It’s the highest point of our trek and we had to battle two things. First was the altitude. At the peak, we were at 14,000 feet and I occasionally had to stop to catch my breath. Second, the switchbacks up the pass were primarily stairs cut into the pathway. This meant I was literally lifting my entire body weight with each step. I was terribly out of shape and the steps were endless. It started to rain, ponchos came out as we all struggled to reach the peak. It was clearly a bonding moment. But as we reached the summit, we were rewarded with the most beautiful sight. We were so high, we were looking down upon the clouds. As we descended the back side of the mountain, we walked though a cloud forest. It was incredibly peaceful. It was worth every step.

On the last day, we started at 3 am with a goal to reach the Sun Gate early enough to watch the sun rise above the ruins. The trail was narrow and allowed only for a single file line. Our pace quickened, not wanting to miss this opportunity. Midway through we were almost running. Before we started that morning, our guide warned us to be careful going up the ladder. We didn’t quite understand what he meant until we turned the corner and found short, narrow steps carved into the steep hillside. Our adrenaline was flowing and we scrambled up the mountain side like animals using both our hands and feet. We kept the running pace until we reached the Sun Gate. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it in time for the sunrise, but looking down upon the ruins was a spiritual experience, nonetheless. Maybe more so for me than for the others.

Almost a year prior to this trip, I experienced an anxiety attack at the office. I had been working 14 to 20 hour days and the dam finally cracked. I closed my office door and privately let it all flow out. Even when I regained my composure, the trauma never left me. A dark cloud stayed wherever I went. Once your self-confidence is destroyed, it’s a difficult journey back. Surviving this Machu Picchu trek was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. The thing about the trek, you are in the middle of the Amazon rainforest and quitting is not an option. Believe me, I wanted to quit a million times, with each painful step. But making it to the Sun Gate at a running pace and feeling the energy as we descended upon the ruins was life changing. From there on out, a new voice entered my head:

If I can make it to Machu Picchu, I can do anything.

Machu Picchu restored my strength and rebuilt my soul. It was the turning point I needed and it lifted that dark cloud. A friend once told me your body never forgets. Our muscle memory logs in experiences that it draws upon for future challenges. I believe him. I count on this truth both physically and mentally every day.

I kept a small, slim rock I found along the Inca Trail. It had a smooth indentation that fit perfectly for my thumb. When I returned home, I would run my thumb over the smooth surface, somehow wanting to feel the power of the Inca Trail again. I lost the stone at some point. I can’t remember when. I was initially concerned with the loss, but then realized I no longer needed the reminder. Muscle memory. Your body never forgets. I survived Machu Picchu. I can do anything.

After Machu Picchu, I had an affinity to spiritual things. I found this version of U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. U2 originally wrote this song as a gospel and in this version, they traveled to Harlem to sing with a local choir. I love how spiritual the song turns when both come together.

. . . the band rehearsed with the choir at Harlem’s Greater Calvary Baptist Church in preparation for a performance at Madison Square Garden. Bono begins solo, while the choir’s singers watch intently from the pews, swaying along to the music. When it’s their turn to jump in, the song transforms.

U2’s lead singer and songwriter, Bono, has referred to it as “a gospel song with a restless spirit.”

“It’s a song about searching for meaning or transcendence,” he says. “And to me, the most interesting thing about it is that you don’t find it. It’s about the search.”

– NPR

When I set out on the Machu Picchu trek, I wasn’t searching for healing. As the days progressed, it slowly transformed into a spiritual walk. I spent almost a year not knowing how to heal. I needed this experience of pain and suffering in order to finally let it go. In the early morning scramble to the Sun Gate, I found something that I wasn’t initially looking for. As I descended upon the ruins, I regained the spirit that I had lost. As I walked among the ruins, I found myself whole once again.

–

For a complete playlist, please click here.

For the Spotify playlist, please click here.

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for