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My Gen X Playlist: Unwell – Matchbox Twenty

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Daily writing prompt
What fears have you overcome and how?
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My doctor wanted me to start tracking my blood pressure every day. He asked me to run it in the morning and again at night. I started keeping a daily log.

One evening, something felt off. It had been a stressful few months. I shook it off. Stress was a normal part of my life. I tried to sleep, but I didn’t feel right.

The next morning I took my blood pressure. I was shocked by the numbers. 195/95. I immediately searched the internet and it recommended to go straight to the ER. It was early, around 6 AM. I woke up my wife and we sped off to the hospital. My blood pressure came down by the time I arrived. It was still high, but not at that catastrophic level.

After this experience I came to the conclusion that I could control what I ate and my exercise routine, but I couldn’t control the stress from work. Something had to give. A few weeks later, I gave my notice and decided to take time off and heal.

That ER visit scared me. Those numbers were really high and I couldn’t shake the thought of suddenly having a heart attack. The biggest fear came from not feeling in control.

I began having anxiety about taking my blood pressure. I began breathing exercises before each reading. It helped sometimes, but not all of the time. Ultimately, I was put on blood pressure meds, began watching my diet and increased my sleep and exercise. Thankfully, I no longer have this anxiety, but it’s something I’ll never forget. It’s been motivation to lead a healthier life.

I’ve been off work for a year this month and have made great strides. I feel in control of my health about 98% of the time. There still is that chance of the unexpected that sits in the back of my mind. I can’t shake that off. The ER visit is seared in my head, but I realize I have to be diligent in controlling what I can control.

I started looking for a job last month. I reached out to my contacts and have had a number of conversations. It’s the beginning phase for now. The important thing is finding a good fit. My last firm floated the idea of returning, but that’s not in the cards. I’ll end up right back in the same place and all my hard work would be thrown out the window. I need to focus on balance and I won’t find it there. Nothing is worth jeopardizing my health again.

Matchbox Twenty released Unwell in 2003. Even rock stars experience moments of anxiety and self-doubt.

“We were going into our third record. It came from the idea of still not feeling comfortable in my own skin, and the job sometimes even less so. I was always very comfortable in small groups, and I was always very comfortable on a stage. And then never comfortable in the group. You’d do things where you’re out . . . and I was never really comfortable. 

That led me to having really crazy panic attacks and having to figure out a way to get all of that under control. Once I started to get older, once I started to grow up, the fabrication that I’d made of how comfortable I was and how secure I was in myself started to go away. I was left with the reality I need to deal with how uncomfortable I am at all times, how unsure of myself I am, every word that comes out of my mouth, in every situation. ‘Unwell’ was the beginning of that for me.”

– Songfacts

I think everybody has their own version of unwell. There is some solace in the lyrics.

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I like this line because it tells me fear and anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean crazy. I can feel crazy, but that doesn’t mean I am crazy. I know it’s just semantics, but that little distinction is somehow comforting. It reminds me that it is not abnormal to occasionally feel this way. Thank God for that.

–

For a complete playlist, please click here.

For the Spotify playlist, please click here.

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

Yeah, I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

32 thoughts on “My Gen X Playlist: Unwell – Matchbox Twenty”

  1. I can relate. In 2007, I went to a day clinic because I had something on my eyelid. They took my blood pressure, then took it again twice, then took it three times on my other arm. It was 248/148. They gave me something to reduce my blood pressure three times before they let me drive to the emergency room. They wanted to call an ambulance. I was overweight, drinking too much, my job was stressful, I was eating garbage, and I rarely drank water. Every now and then my blood pressure climbs to high levels these days but never even close to that level. I eat better, am not under a lot of stress, and I lead a healthier life in general. Scary stuff.

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  2. I used to be on blood presssure tablets. But some years ago I was able to come off them after I changed slightly what I was eating and made the difference. I still check my blood pressure from time to time and the nurse does once a month. Unless I take a reading myself on the morning before my appointment.

    I check at home because in a clinical setting I am known to have a false reading which is called ‘white coat syndrome.’

    The last thing you want is to feel anxiety before taking your blood pressure at home.

    When you take a reading of your blood pressure, which your doctor may have said this to you already, take two or three readings a couple of minutes apart and then write down your lowest reading in your notebook. Because sometimes, that first reading may be the highest.

    Also. Don’t take a reading after notblong having coffee, because caffeine makes your blood pressure higher. If you have had a coffee, leave taking a blood pressure until an hour later. Don’t take a reading before then.

    And sit quietly for a few minutes before taking a reading.

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    1. Thanks for the tips. I appreciate it.

      I take a few readings minutes apart. And yes, many times that first reading is higher than the rest. That used to freak me out initially, but having looked back on an entire year of results, I’ve realized it’s not a sign of something worse.

      I tried going cold turkey on coffee, but that was too hard! I just cut back. I needed my coffee!

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      1. You’re welcome.

        Have your coffee. But just don’t have coffee near when you take your blood pressure reading, else you have a false reading. Leave an hour or more from having caffine before taking a reading. So it’s an accurate one. Something I did not know until I read about it and then asked the nurse. So on one occasion, I had a coffee prior to nurse giving a reading and it gave a false reading.

        I csn imagine if you really like your coffee that going cold turkey would be hard to do. But it’s good that you reduced.

        But yes. When you get unexpected high readings, it can make you worry. I was there over a year ago getting worried and the hospital made an unexpected worry because when I went back to daily readings and then took them to my own doctor, he was happy. Told him how I practically had an argument with the doctor over it at the eye clinic at the hospital and so my doctor wrote in my notebook and signed it so I could take that to my next hospital to show them if they started again. So that gave me unnecessary upset and as my own doctor knows, I get where I then take my blood pressure more than I need to. My doctor for years now only expects me to do it once a week or once a fortnight.

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  4. Good luck on the job hunt! I think we have had similar conversations about being in similar boats. Like you, I made a vow that the b.s. that happened to me before will not happen again. The job I am in now is a much different vibe. Not sure if it’s my ultimate destination yet or not, but it’s a good staging area for the next phase of the war.
    May you find a great fit!!!

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      1. Yes. We spend far too much time giving power to others, when we should be giving it to ourselves.

        Thank you. It’s a decent place with good folks, but I may be hungrier for just a bit more. Not too much, but a bit.

        I know you will find something with the perfect balance too. 💪💪

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  5. Great song! I’m so glad that you were able to take a hiatus from work to concentrate on your health. I can relate. I’ll be jumping back into the workforce tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

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  7. It was a great experience in your life! Beautiful poem! After becoming an author I sometimes feel afraid if people don’t read my books what will happen! 😅😅😁😁but then I made my mind understand my words surely 😄 will touch people’s hearts if they can get chance to read them 😁😁 keeping their phones aside 😄😄

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  8. You’ve spoken many times about your sabbatical, and this post really puts it in perspective. I can totally relate to that idea of lacking control on some health issues. And then there’s ‘white coat syndrome,’ which almost always causes my usual textbook blood pressure well above what it should be.

    It’s great that you’ve worked up to 98% in control. That’s massive, way to go. Also a good choice not to go back to the old hamster wheel, as familiar and easy a choice as that might appear. I hope you find an organization that encourages the balance you’ve worked at for the last year. Good luck with it!

    I know this song well, though the title didn’t mean anything to me when I read it. Some songs are like that for me!

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    1. Thanks, Steve. I remember the days when I was invincible and would just power through. It had to catch up to me sooner or later. Although it was a bit of a scare, I needed it to scare me straight and take my health seriously.

      The feeling of not being in control was unsettling. I’m glad I’ve progressed past that. It’s no longer a daily feeling.

      I was the same as you. I knew the song but not the title or the lyrics! It was nice to see it through fresh eyes!

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  9. I’m glad you are feeling better! High blood pressure is not fun! Hibiscus tea will help. My mom drinks it and she said it helps to lower blood pressure.

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  10. Also, anxiety is not a sign of craziness! I suffered from anxiety a couple of years ago. I feel better now after I made some adjustments to my lifestyle.

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  11. Good job knowing what’s really important and having the courage to sacrifice in order to keep it. Like Todd Snider says, “You worry when the weather’s cold, you worry when it’s hot, you worry when you’re doing well, you worry when you’re not. It’s worry, worry, all the time, you don’t know how to laugh, they’ll think of something funny when they write your epitaph.”

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  12. It’s amazing how something as simple as tracking blood pressure can lead to such eye-opening realizations. Taking control of your health and finding that balance is key. And those Matchbox Twenty lyrics? So relatable. Keep taking care of yourself!

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  13. I’ve been here as well. In 2019, I awoke in the middle of the night thinking I was having a heart attack. I called 911 and was brought to the hospital. After a long night and many tests, I learned it was just a panic attack.

    Since then, I have worked hard on myself and on what I know can be triggers for panic attacks to be in a better headspace.

    Honestly, going into 2020 with a panic issue was not the best way to start that year, but it was definitely trial by fire.

    I wish you well on finding what works best for you!

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    1. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing panic attacks. I’ve experienced it once in my lifetime and I understand how debilitating they can be. I’m glad you are focusing on your health and well being. That’s so important these days. Sending you good vibes…

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      1. Thank you! I have worked incredibly hard to get through them, and although I understand they’re always a risk, I have managed to control them for over a year now. I changed my job and worked on myself all last year. This year is all about physical health, so I’m definitely miles from where I was in 2019! Sending you good vibes, too!

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  14. That def can be scary and anxiety stricken. Sounds like your bp is now within normal limits? Deep breathing, exercising, limiting caffeine/sodium intake/saturated fat, and getting adequate sleep is super helpful and it seems like you did all that. Deep breathing can help, meditating, body scanning too. But that stress omg that’s the worst…I’m glad that you were able to quit that job, it sounded like it was too much.

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    1. I look for silver linings. After the scare, I now look to out health first. I’d always think about it, but now was forced to. And breathing exercises. I don’t do them everyday, but I squeeze them in from time to time. They are helpful

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